Lost in The Darkness: Searching For Light (Bucky x Reader)
by Ashante4
Summary: Bucky is having dark thoughts that he can't get out of his mind. He leaves to get some fresh air and finds that not all sad and evil. Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts. I'm aware of the use of second person but because I didn't have the time to change it, I uploaded here anyway as I upload my stories on multiple platforms...whatever happens happens.


_Sweat covered every inch of his body. Tossing and turning, he couldn't shake the images out of his mind and the guilt soaring through his being. He could still feel the cold crisp air and smell the smoke rising from the hood of the car. The breaking of the man's skull as he continuously made contact with his head using his fist; just a few moments prior, the man had called him a stranger's name. "Sergeant Barnes?" Even though the name was foreign to him, it still sent a chill through the Winter Soldier's body but didn't stop him from finishing his mission. _

Bucky shot up from the bed so fast his eyes were struggling to adjust, creating strange patterns and shapes. It didn't matter anyway since the room was dark and suddenly felt so empty and huge, making Bucky feel small and weak. He sat up from the bed, rubbing his eyes to cure his vision and turned the lamp, beside his bed, on as the impending darkness, mixed with his imagination, started to create figures and monsters. Which made Bucky let out a slight chuckle at his foolishness. _He _was the only monster here.

Bucky rose from the bed, only wearing gray sweatpants, as a thin layer of sweat glistened in the light. He went into the bathroom and began splashing his face and neck with cold water, to help cool his body down and return him to reality. He hated how he couldn't get rid of the nightmares. Everyday they haunted him and it was beginning to take seed in his mind; bringing on dark thoughts that, he would never admit to Steve, were plaguing him. Instead, he basked in his own solitude, deciding whether he would add his own life to the list of people he killed or wait for an enemy to do the job for him..._either would do _he thought to himself.

Grabbing a new set of clothes, Bucky changed into more appropriate clothing. He put on blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a thick black bomber jacket. He could take the cold, he wasn't called the 'Winter Soldier' for nothing, but he thought it would be best to not flash his metal arm about. He grabbed his packet of cigarettes and quietly made his way out of the compound. The headquarters didn't feel like much of a home to him, with Stark constantly glaring at him and making childish remarks. It was justifiable why he was mad at Bucky, but Bucky had expected to come to the compound and move on from his mistakes and Hydra's torture but Stark had no intention of letting him do such a thing. The bickering added to his gloomy thoughts that he'd never belong.

The night air was cold and raw, slightly helping Bucky to wake up from his thoughts and take in his surroundings. There wasn't much to see but a vast amount of tall trees going on and on for miles and creating a harrowing atmosphere as Bucky felt surrounded. However, when he looked up, there was the sight of stars illuminating the sky. They were beautiful and it made Bucky smile as he thought of how even as a slave to Hydra, the stars seemed to always bring a positive wave of emotion through him that acted as hope for James Barnes to return to the world. It was was corny and he knew it but when going through that much torture and hurting so many people...it can make even the smallest things feel sentimental.

"Never thought I'd live to see the day James Buchanan Barnes smiling," Bucky immediately had his eyes fixed on her. He wasn't startled as he had heard her creeping up to him and knew her footsteps well to know it was Y/N. "So, are you going to tell me what has you up at 1am smiling at the sky?" The left corner of Y/N's lips was raised in a small grin as she came closer to stand next to Bucky. The warmth radiating off her felt nice to him and had Bucky smiling even more like an idiot. Y/N smelt like a mixture of vanilla and coconut which was a soothing scent and made the night feel more peaceful. She had her hair in long braids which Bucky was later told were called 'box braids'. She had fun laughing at his confused reaction after she had told him the name of the style.

Bucky had tried to avoid getting close to the other Avengers, though Natasha and Sam were persistent so it was hard to avoid them and eventually grew to become friends with them, but Y/N had always had this special effect on him that he couldn't shake. Not like he wanted to. He never spent as much time with everybody else like he did with Y/N. She always made sure he was participating in group activities when everybody had an off day and if Bucky didn't want to join in, she would force him out in the city to help get him caught up on the drastically different society. He had found it annoying at first but came to love the alone time and eventually her. It came to the point that Bucky was avoiding as many group celebrations and activities as possible, just to spend some time alone with Y/N.

He had been silent for a few moments, before answering. "Of course I was thinking of you, doll." He said in a slight flirty tone with a smug expression on his face. He inhaled on the cigarette he had neglected. Over the past couple of months, the two were flirting with one another non stop to the point the other Avengers believing there to be a secret relationship between the two. Bucky wished for a relationship like that with Y/N but he believed the flirting to be innocent banter on her part. He used to be known as a lady's man in the 40s, not afraid to go up to a woman tell her how he felt; however, these times were different. He was no longer that man but instead a shadow of his former self. It was foolish hopefulness to expect Y/N to fall for him. Though he wished ever so much that she would hold him and that she would tell him that his thoughts of her weren't foolish.

Y/N had let out a little chuckle and nudged him. Bucky reacted as if it actually hurt him, despite her only elbowing him on this metal arm. He looked down at her, holding onto his metal arm laughing. He loved the sound of her laugh. He loved that he was the one causing it, making him feel like maybe he could do more good than harm in the world. He was looking down at her, completely mesmerised by her beauty. He loved how deep of a brown Y/N's eyes were that they almost looked black. He loved the way she wrinkled her nose when laughing. He loved her. When she had stopped laughing, she stared back at him with just a much a loving gaze. He didn't know if he was picturing it but it looked as if she was feeling what he was.

Bucky decided to do the most dangerous thing he had ever done. Or rather, what he thought, in that moment, was the most dangerous thing he had ever done. He leaned in slowly, giving her time to react and flat out reject him. Instead she did the opposite, she grabbed a fist full of his hair, pulling his head down and stood on her tiptoes giving him the most passionate kiss he'd ever experienced. Immediately, Bucky grabbed hold of Y/N's waist and lifted you up kissing you back just as passionately. Seconds later it became desperate, as if he was a thirsty man gulping water. He couldn't get enough of her.

After what felt like eternity, the kiss ended and Bucky placed Y/N back on the ground. The two were breathing hard, staring at each other's eyes and then smiling. "I've been wanting that to happen...for such a long time," he was still catching his breath, as if he had ran a marathon. She looked at him nodding in agreement, unsure if she could speak after the kiss. "You don't have to say it now, but I think I'm in love you and...if you'd like, I would love to take you out to dinner some time, doll." His eyes were that of a puppy begging for a treat.

She jumped up into his arms, peppering kisses all over his face with so much excitement he was smiling, once again, like a fool. "Of course, you idiot!" She exclaimed so loud, Bucky winced at the pain in his ear. "I've been dropping hints for the past couple of months and I was starting to doubt you had feelings for me." She gave him a hard kiss, before calming down and resting her feet on the grass of the compound again. They both had big goofy grins on their faces but all that was ruined quickly.

"Barnes and Y/L/N, Mr. Stark would like to 'politely' inform you to shut up as he is trying to sleep." F.R.I.D.A.Y said in his usual matter-of-fact tone. Bucky and Y/N looked at each other and then bursted into laughter. Bucky looked back up at the stars again. Maybe they were a sign that there is always light in the darkness; he just need to search for it.

**END.**


End file.
